Even if I don't end up together, I still want to understand you.

after breaking up with him, I hid in front of my neighborhood for two months.

because on the day we broke up with him, we agreed to meet at the gate of the community, and the sentence "Let's still be friends" seemed to stop at the place where we broke up, as if it would make a sound as soon as I approached.

every time I pass by, I think of the "bad" of my predecessor.

once we made an appointment to meet at the gate of the mall, but when I got there, he said he would rest at home if he wasn't feeling well. Then I wandered around the mall for three hours in a good temper.

when we met three hours later, I hit him angrily, which was the kind of "girl acting coquettish and angry" manner. But I remember very much that his eyes were angry and disgusted. It seems that he was forced to accept my arrival reluctantly, and my anger is even less qualified.

so I sent him a long message that night, telling him that I thought you didn't care about me, that I was unhappy, that I didn't usually do well, or that I shouldn't have come to you today.

but the reply from him on the other end of Wechat was, "I can read and go to bed. Good night."

I began to get angry. Why did he never understand me? I was talking to you, but you faced me with an "I know" attitude. I wanted to ask, "Don't you have the ability to experience emotions?" But the word "good night" is still typed on the phone.

these things left me in the anger of "hating him" for a long time after I broke up.

it was not until a long time later, when we spoke on the phone after the breakup, that he told me that he, like me, was not in a very healthy mind. His bipolar disorder impairs his ability to perceive emotions, and he does not have the same rich joys and sorrows as ordinary people.

when he told me, I suddenly remembered that when we first started, he had told me that he felt an indifferent perception of all the people and things around him, and did not seem to resonate strongly with everything.

but at that time, I just thought it was because he was a "slow hot", "stupid and kind of cute" boy. I spent months in the whole relationship. I didn't know that he had cried alone on the balcony in the dormitory. I once dropped the pillow on the ground for fear that dropping something else would arouse family suspicion, and I was caught off guard in the face of socializing.

so when I watch Manchester by the Sea, the hero tries to break the silence in the face of sentence after sentence of new friends trying to break the silence, but he bluntly and briefly responds to "No" /"Silence". When I feel the man's helplessness and sadness, I also feel ashamed of my predecessor. As the closest person in the past, I did not find his helplessness and sadness at all.

compared with this powerless thing, I feel very lucky that our breakup is decent, and everyone has come to an end personally and clearly. We asked face-to-face whether it really could not continue, whether there was not enough emotion and ability to continue.

also because of this peaceful breakup without breaking face and rough quarrels, we can have a chance to chat and say hello like ordinary friends later.

once when we talked about something funny, I laughed at him and said, "you're sick." he answered me naturally, "I'm sick." I think he knew very well that his illness had a great impact on him, so he listened carefully to every joke made by others.

I know he has a self-deprecating tone, and I know I should say "I'm just kidding", but at that moment, I was a little stupefied, because it was the most distressing moment that I hadn't had since I knew him, or even when I was together.

"I am sick".

it was in that call that I began to understand the way we used to get along, why it had been "I output, but he didn't respond" and "his indifference to the outside world, but I couldn't understand it."

I began not to hate the things that made me angry in the past, and I began to know that I was not the only victim and poor person.

some people say that a girl is often considered to be the one who is more injured because she chooses a more direct way to express her unhappiness. She chose to cry in the dark, was heard by others, so others knew that she was unhappy. But the boy chose to be silent in the dark, in the dark, no one can see his silence, so the boy is often regarded as a cold-blooded party.

only by understanding the reasons of the other party can we explain his previous behavior and know that he is not the only one who is unhappy at a time when he has lost it.

in Manchester by the Sea, Randy hated her ex-husband for a long time. When she later learned that her ex-husband had been living in silence and social barriers because of guilt and frustration, she cried and said to him, "my heart is broken, but I know yours is broken, too."

it's just a pity that these "moments and causes of heartbreak" should be shared and understood together when we were still around each other. But because we chose to leave this relationship in a hurry for the sake of anger in our hearts, in the days to come, we no longer have the identity to do so.

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in the days to come, I know that he is not doing very well, but he is already powerless. Even though the relationship between "my dearest" sung to his predecessor is no longer the same, how can his concern be broken? Because from then on are passers-by, no matter how distressed we can only stop here, we are all responsible for our new life. I know the blessing may not come true, but I can only wish him well with my 10000% sincerity.

"there are many tastes in life that you don't know how to savor until you are old, but once you do, everything is far away."

so I wrote such a guilty article in a regrettable mood.